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You Are Secure!
Life Cycle and Development
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Regression to Stage 2 may be indicative of developmental gaps in either Stage 2 or Stage 3-- Initiative vs. Guilt. Before proceeding to developmental Stage 3, a person may regress to Stage 2 and recheck his development autonomy vs. shame and doubt so that it can support Stage 3 as he fills in his developmental gaps. The development of shame precedes and facilitates the development of guilt, which requires the building block of shame. A person with a dysfunction in guilt may regress to shame to recheck or even rebuild his developmental building blocks.
Shame is an evaluation of Self, whereas guilt is an evaluation of behaviour; shame violates external values and guilt violates internal values. The differences between shame and guilt are character versus behavioural. Shame is an interpretation that a flaw is within character and guilt interprets a flaw as behavioural. Based on external ideas about appropriate behaviour, shame is public, while guilt may be more private since it is self-created. Shame is a feeling of self judgment--though often facilitated by external judgment--that one is innately bad, whereas guilt is a feeling of regret for inappropriate behaviour. Unhealthy shame can lead to a variety of negative shame-driven behaviours and conditions meant to serve as self-cleansing mechanisms.
- Attack and Humiliation: A person may try to lower the status of others as a means of self-inflation.
- Power and Perfectionism: A defense mechanism against continuing shame is to build a protective wall of power to create value and perfection within one's abilities to prevent mistakes. Such a person becomes overly critical to others, thus perpetuating the cycle of shame.
- Projection of Blame: Diverts attention to other's, thereby removing focus from one's Self.
- Martyrdom: An attempt to create self-worth by over-compensating with kindness toward others in the absence of addressing the true feelings and issues that lead to shame.
- Withdrawal: An act of avoidance through numbing of the feelings.
The ability to apologize is indicative of a healthy ability to face and overcome a sense of shame. Though an MLCer may have remorse and regrets, he must still work through a gap created in the fear that admitting a mistake is shameful if it is public--even when public to no more than a single person. Healthy shame includes the ability to admit mistakes, but when there is a gap in shame to admit a mistake, leads to a conclusion of character flaws and a desire for secrecy. Healthy Stage 2 development enables a person to develop healthy guilt and overcome shame that is toxic.
External acceptance of mistakes and flaws paired with both consequences and forgiveness facilitates healthy shame and guilt. When you make a mistake do you fear retribution? Do you fear disappointing someone? Do you face up to your mistake and admit it or seek to bury it from discovery? Healthy parenting is showing a child disappointment in the presence of love. An MLCer needs the same thing. Love the sinner, hate the sin. As he rebuilds the blocks of shame and guilt he needs reassurances as well as boundaries. His sense of shame may be so great that he attempts to martyr himself for your protection. He may seem shameless as he strips away original conditioning and seem to become his opposite.
The job of the spouse in such circumstances is challenging because it is a balancing act to avoid becoming parental. Though an MLCer may have regressed to a developmental stage of a toddler, he is remains an adult. Smothering is mothering, an MLCer needs space and freedom to make his own mistakes, acknowledge them and seek corrective measures. But he also needs a safe environment that enables his development by providing boundaries and consequences as well as love and acceptance.
Table1
| Toxic Guilt | Healthy Guilt | Toxic Shame | Healthy Shame | |
| Origins and description | Abortive development due to superego distortion; results from perfectionism, family enmeshment | Develops later than shame (age 3-6) Erikson's 3rd psychosocial, initiative vs. guilt; conscience former |
Abortive development
| Develops early, 15 months to 3 years; Erikson's 2nd psychosocial stage |
| Responsibility and Power | Grandiose responsibility; way to be powerful in a powerless system | Adequate responsibility accountability; exercise of power choice | No responsibility, lack of power; failure of choice; incapacity | Limited power and responsibility; power comes by knowing limits I need help |
| Felt Sense | Somber-serious, no place for mistakes; I can't make a mistake, would be terrible | I made a mistake; transgressed my values I feel bad-sense of wickedness | I'm a mistake, it's hopeless; I'm no good; I'm worthless | I can and will make mistakes; it's normal and mistakes can be remedied |
| Fault | Fault of role rigidity; fault of thought distortion belief you are responsible for other's life | Fault of action; about doing; remedial | Fault of Being; about being defective and flawed as a person-irremedial | Limits of being; fault of natural finitude |
| Morality Goodness | I can be good if I'm perfect, if I follow all rules (legalistic) and do my duty (my role) | What I did was not good I'm adequate to repair the damage | I'm bad; I'm no good; I'm inadequate, pre-moral | I'm good but limited--permission to be human |
| Boundary | No right to boundary, except through my rigid role or performance | Transgressed moral boundaries (values) | No boundary; nothing about me is okay | Core boundary |
| Sports Analogy | Violation of a simple rule like being off-side, with excessive penalty, like expulsion from game | Violation of a restraining boundary like running out of bounds on a field | Violation of the game itself; failure to attain goal-like never reaching the end zone | Violation of the rules simple infraction; too much time-5yards |
- Bradshaw, John. Healing the Shame that Binds You. Health Communications Inc.: Deerfield Beach FL, 1988, p 18.
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