Replay

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Replay

Life’s Bachelor Party

Traditionally the night or a few nights before his wedding, a man has a Bachelor Party which often involves naked women and copious amounts of alcohol. Much or all of this is done with the knowledge of his wife-to-be. This is his final night of irresponsible youth before settling into maturity.

At midlife a man looks back at his waning youth and decides to hold on a little longer. He sees what appears to lie ahead in his future and determines the past, which is about fun, has greater appeal. In the years since his wedding, he has come to associate marriage with maturity and responsibility. Since leaving his one-night Bachelor Party he has had a taste of that future he sees ahead and it’s more of the same—Aging and Responsibility. “What about me?” he says. “When do I get to have fun again?” He fears that if he waits until retirement age for fun, he will be too old. He wants his fun now. His body is dragging him into old age and he needs another final fling.

But like the man who is about to be married, the man in midlife crisis who does not talk divorce or permanent separation is perhaps aware that eventually he will have to continue on the journey piloted by his body. So when he steps back to that life, he wants the original cast in place.

But addiction to the Bachelor Party is an unforeseen consequence. The naked women don’t leave at the end of the night, and the alcohol keeps flowing. Hooked on the fun, the last fling becomes a perpetual party that eventually spirals downward. As the vortex sucks him into its whirlpool, the midlife crisis carries the illusion of fun. He doesn’t want this life to end. He has buried the happy memories from his former life and he wants them to stay that way. He may begin talking divorce. He’s addicted to the fragile illusion of youth, and refuses to let it go.

Covert Depression

Replay is Covert Depression in which Midlifers attempt to avoid the physical and emotional pain of Overt Depression which forces them to face their Shadow and integrate their buried fragments. It is not a subconscious denial; the behaviour is a direct reaction to something acknowledged. It is rather an avoidance which may facilitate additional subconscious denial as Replay behaviour produces emotional highs which in midlife crisis he interprets as success in his attempt to reverse aging or avoid other issues. Replay behaviour needs the other characteristics—Rejection & Refusal and Resentment—for functioning; they are the fuel of Replay.

Men often handle depression in the opposite way that is expected—by acting out rather than turning inward; they seek to blame. The OW, alcohol, drugs, youthful running etc. are forms of avoidance. Like an addict, he needs the Replay fix to keep him from the Liminality where Overt Depression sets in.

Replay brings in the fog. This fog is a midlife crisis requirement, and like Liminality, it serves a purpose. He must go through this; it is unavoidable. But a person in his right mind would not behave as he is and thus the fog serves the purpose of burying his guilt until another time when he can handle it. But he is not insane and is thus accountable for his actions. He is confused; sometimes he will be aware of this and others not, but the existence of a reason for bad behaviour does not make it excusable.

Replay behaviour is an angry avoidance manifested as an attempt to prove sustaining youth. It is a backlash, an I’ll show you reaction to God and anyone who stands in his way. He is still resentful, and continues to reject and refuse. It is with the addition of Replay that midlife crisis becomes recognizable. Bomb Drop usually occurs with Replay and the affair begins. In the absence of Replay, Midlifers in Rejection & Refusal may effectively hide their fears from everyone, including themselves. Behaviours may be changing, but in the beginning the changes may be dismissed amidst preoccupations with everyday life or as moodiness, stress or irritability—particularly if the midlife crisis catalyst was a significant life changing event. Cracks in the persona began to form prior to Replay which expands the cracks eventually causing the façade to crumble and a previously stable man seems crazy. The way is open and the Temptress beckons with promises of sex yielding true love and the Devil comes out to dance.

Bargaining is a 3-page chapter in Elisabeth Kübler Ross’s book On Death and Dying; as an emotional stage in dying it is an attempt to bargain with God for more time. A realization and fear of death is an issue in MLC, but unlike those who are dying, this is usually an emotional fear that is not in process; the Midlifer has time to dwell on the idea of death and dying, whereas the person who is dying is having a direct experience--a realization of the fear--with less time for dwelling. Often the MLCer is experiencing doubt in a God who is now failing him, thus bargaining would be futile. Instead the MLCer tries to postpone the inevitable without God’s help or blessing—sometimes as a rebellion directed against God.

Bargaining is also short-lived for a terminally ill person as death looms close and their condition continues to deteriorate. But Replay for the MLCer creates an emotional high and feels successful. A crash follows, but not for months or years and those who crash sooner use Replay as a drug to create and maintain their high.

The dying person hopes to buy more time, possibly with promises to accept the inevitable (death) after a specific event or accomplishment; ex. the birth of an expected grandchild. Bargaining sets a self-imposed deadline, whereas the MLCer refuses to bargain and instead attempts to cheat time through evasive tactics. The dying person attempts to postpone; the deadline for the MLCer is never.

I’m never going to die.
I’m never coming back/home.
I’m never going to grow up.
I’m never going to be older.

But it in truth, the MLCer is running away from his Self—the Shadow Self revealed beneath the crumbling façade. He fears the Shadow; he wants to escape it and is yet simultaneously intrigued. What would happen if I…

Slept with another woman [often a specific person]?
Experiment with drugs?
Drink until I forget?
Climb Mt. Everest?
Learn to rock climb?
Ski out of bounds?

Like a teenager, he wants to test and push the boundaries. The Midlifer is faced with his own mortality and fears the loss of his vitality; risky behaviour in which a person tempts death or security can facilitate a feeling of aliveness. Blame and projection toward the spouse is natural as the spouse tries to stop the Replay behaviour.

A regressive youthful lifestyle of physical activity and socialization attracts interest of those who are younger or themselves seeking a regressive lifestyle (OWs) and may yield temporary gains in physical fitness. But the repercussions of adulterous and regressive behaviour--the effects on spouses, children, coworkers, friends etc.--will yield greater dissatisfaction, unhappiness and depression. The typical reaction to these consequences is to avoid more, sinking deeper into the fantasy life which will only continue to yield the unpleasant consequences. These in tandem with the opposing regression behaviour create a repetitive pattern of cycling behaviour common to midlife crisis.

Replay will continue until he not only realizes that it is not making him happy, but also that it is making him feel even more lost—that his life is becoming worse. Like an object requiring external force to alter its course of motion, the unpleasant patterns in his life will continue until challenged either externally or internally. When each quick fix he tries fails and he runs out of quick fixes, he can go into Liminality. But even then he may jump or climb out of the pit to attempt additional quick fixes. He needs to run until he's too tired to keep running and too battered to pick himself up when he falls.

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