The Assurances
Hope
False Hope
Many believe that false hope is a Hope for something that is unlikely or unrealistic. Yet who defines likelihood or realism? If there is any possibility for the desired outcome, Hope cannot be false. Though it implies chance, Hope is not a gamble. Many hope to win a lottery and though the probability of any individual winning may be low, it is possible for those who participate. Such a Hope would be false for a person who refuses to participate in the lottery and it would be folly for anyone to use their Hope to gamble on winning.
Examples of False Hope
- I will compete as a swimmer in the Olympics and win gold in the 400 IM. Were that something for which I were Hoping, it would be false. It would not, however, be false for a swimmer with a history of national and international successes. Neither would it be false for an able-bodied eight-year old considering his or her future.
- When a child's dog is hit and killed and the parent wants to break the news gently by first preparing the child by telling them the dog has been injured and is at the Veterinarian's. In this situation the Hope is false because the giver is planting a desire for an impossible outcome. If the dog had run away and been killed by a vehicle without the parent's knowledge, the child's Hope in finding the dog would not be false. It would not be realized, but false hope includes a messenger providing intentionally incorrect information.
- Becoming Queen of England (without a change of rules and precedence)
- Male pregnancy (for a human male)
Examples of Hope often considered false
- Terminal cancer within the last days or hours on one's deathbed. Talk to Lance Armstrong if you think this is false.
- Marital reconciliation
- Winning the Pulitzer for...something you do or have done.
- Becoming a movie star, rock star, President...
I will never again tell her I love her or she will think she has some hope.
Standers clinging to Hope analyze every interaction for crumbs of Hope and often twist neutral interactions to fit their needy desires. Such behavior is frustrating to the MLCer; it seems his wife will not get the message! To combat this concern, many MLCers feel they must therefore destroy their spouse's hope and the only way to do that is by being mean.
The Prodigal
It is common for an MLCer to attempt a premature return--some make multiple attempts. The Biblical story of the Prodigal Son is about Forgiveness and reconciliation. How many failed returns did the Prodigal Son make? The story implies there was a single return and that it did not fail. As a message of forgiveness, it is relevant, but to reveal such joy at the return of your Midlife Prodigal is to risk either frightening or enabling him with your level of revealed Hope. He may be uncertain whether he wants to return, whether he will be successful or is not yet at a place where he trusts even himself. He fears your enthusiasm because it reveals an additional burden of success.
Do you feel like a deer about two seconds after seeing the headlights?
You know you’ve gotta stop crying, panicking or asking your spouse ANYTHING. And you know you should let-go and give space so that you can learn to respond and communicate with your spouse from a place of calm rather than emotional hurt.
Introducing
Understanding Midlife Crisis
The foundational course to give you answers and clarity into "What the he!! Is going on with my spouse!"