View Cart

Are Attached to Your Inner Victim?

By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf

To wallow is a victim suffering in attachment to your crisis, to the drama, to your assumption of your fate and to your fears. Detaching is not merely something you do from your MLCer and their emotions. Detach from your story of wallowed suffering and the victim you have made yourself into.

Your fear, anger, panic and pain are all real; wallowing in them tells you they are real. It is good and right to feel and accept your emotions, but wallowing is a churning mess of stuck and avoidance. Your emotions are not solutions to your problem; they aren't superheroes and will not rescue you and return you to your security. But they are real; they are valid and the way out is through. Embrace your emotions and let them be; let them penetrate. Sometimes we feel dead without emotions and thus we increase emotional energy to prove that we still live--is this a dream, pinch me. We need not consider our pain, anger, fear--those things labeled unpleasant, negative, bad or counter-productive--as obstacles, rather they are part of our process; they guide us into ourselves for growth. If we let them, even what we label negative reactions and emotions will teach us, but for that to happen we must embrace them.

Hardness of Heart

Hard is difficult, solid, immobile; there is an implication of stubbornness intertwined with a lack of emotion--a sensory shut-down. So often in our attempts to protect our heart from pain we overstep. We construct a wall which then encroaches upon the soft tissue, causing a process akin to calcification. We are not meant to avoid all pain. Suffering is something we go through so we may come out having learned something of value. To go or get over is to avoid learning, destining such things to repetition.

Anger is a natural emotion that we must accept and experience. We risk a hardened heart when we deny an emotion considered negative such as anger. Denial and avoidance merely bring such things to stronger forces by sealing the outlet. Without an exit, anger may turn inward to rage or depression. Denial is a catalyst, yielding hatred--the final state of complete cardiocalcification.

It is okay to curl up in a fetal ball and cry--been there. It's okay to stay inside or go outside and scream--been there too. It is important that you are able to function: care for your children and yourself is the first priority and other necessities depend on each individual; can you take time off work? If not, what can you do to provide yourself time to fall apart? Can someone watch the kids for a few hours a week or a few days? The answer may be no, and you then need to find a way you can function and fall apart all at the same time; I didn't say Standing was easy. But if you push through life without considering your own feelings or needs, those who depend on you will not receive the full benefits of what you can offer.

What can you do to learn from your emotions so that you can get through them? What can you do so that you are once again a fully functioning person? What is your body trying to tell you through the pain and anger? This is not something for which I can provide an answer; this is your journey.

You are going to panic, but you are also going to stop panicking and create peace. Detach from your roles as the betrayed detach from your roles as the helpless victim. Let-go of your need for pity; let-go of your need to feel sorry for yourself and for others to feel sorry for you. Accept that this hurts and surrender your healing to God; this is not something you can do or need to do alone. Trust that the single footprints are because God is carrying you.

I'm Kenda-Ruth and I believe in marriage.
Are you tired of hearing...
  • Once a cheater always a cheater?
  • You're better off without him?
  • She doesn't deserve you?
  • I guess it just wasn't meant to last?
  • Divorce is no big deal?
Join me and over 4000 subscribers and learn to Love Anyway in Any Way





Ask a Question

Tell me what you are struggling with and maybe you will see your question answered as a future blog post.

coaching Coaching