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Fearing & Judging the Search

By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf

Are you afraid of finding your Self? I have to find myself may be familiar as your MLCer's parting words. They may have meant it or they may have been using it as an excuse; but regardless they were right. MLC is a crisis of identity and your MLCer is on a journey in search of Self. But now you associate the search for Self with abandonment. You don't want to be irresponsible or selfish, acting at the expense of others.

The search for Self is not about neglecting responsibilities and acting as you please at the expense of others. MLC becomes a search for Self, but it is not that in the beginning--or rather the search for Self sometimes begins with avoidance of the search. Life transitions are journeys of a changing Self, but crisis is about avoidance; MLCers are avoiding the journey. The search for Self is about finding and creating a balance, an equilibrium between punctuations of increased change.

Your MLCer, fearing the silent space wherein questions ask about Self and require Self reflection, avoids Liminality. Will you do the same?

In your effort to meet the responsibilities of your external roles will you deprive those roles of the influence of your Self? Will you be a parenting machine to avoid neglecting your children--especially now that you are effectively a single parent? What will happen when your source runs out and you need rewinding?

In your years spent as a spouse and parent, working for bread and working for your family--building your life together--what have you left behind? What have you left undone? Have you allowed necessary personal attributes and skills to fall into a state of disrepair? Have you allowed your marriage bond to be a bondage, a prison depriving you of your Self in sacrifice for external duties and demands?

The irony of such Self sacrifice is that it deprives the external relationships and necessary tasks of the full extent of you and your skills. Your Self is the anchor of strength and the cornerstone of a firm foundation from which you create your other roles, for those other roles can only fulfill their potential through Self. Self provides the colour, the musicality and the texture, flavoring your life with its unique spice. Find your Self, love your Self, embrace your Self and Be your Self.

I'm Kenda-Ruth and I believe in marriage.
Are you tired of hearing...
  • Once a cheater always a cheater?
  • You're better off without him?
  • She doesn't deserve you?
  • I guess it just wasn't meant to last?
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