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Contacting the Alienator

By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf

I want to contact or find the alienator.
I want her to know the truth.
I want her to know what she's destroying.
Everyone has their own version of what is truth and even if you refrain from pointing blame, her perception or your MLCer's perception may see it as blameful.

  • Where are you in this crisis?
  • Are you a newbie still adjusting and raw in your pain or are you a few years into the journey?
  • What do you want to accomplish?
  • If you are Standing, what are the risks and benefits?
  • If you are no longer Standing, what is the purpose or is it a waste of energy?

Maybe you believe the alienator is not aware of what she is doing. You think that though she knows she's seeing a married man, she can delude herself with the fantasy since she does not have the experience of your pain. You want her to know about your MLCer's lies. How he breaks his promises. What is your motive? If you are not Standing, are you trying to be a Good Samaritan by warning her? Or are you trying to destroy her relationship--as she destroyed yours. What good will contacting the alienator do you? Even if you are honorably trying to warn her, consider that as the jilted spouse you may not be considered a credible source. Hey, I wouldn't want the alienator to marry him and live happily ever after either. I would feel joyously vindicated if there was a break up--even many years later. But that reveals my weakness, not my strength. I will admit to having such a wish and yet it is something which lowers me to their level and for that I pray not only for the alienator but for myself. I pray to forgive her. I don't have to like her, but by forgiving I release my Self.

What do you know about the alienator? What was her motivation for having an affair with your MLCer? Most alienators know the guy is married, so the odds are that this woman was not innocent. She is a home wrecker who tried to steal your husband and who may still be trying to steal him.

  • Naïve Young Thing: She doesn't have enough life experience to know that men who cheat are not reliable in relationships and that they don't necessarily want to leave their wives. She may truly think your marriage was bad--due to what he has told her--and that you are a psycho-bitch. And he is her Knight in Shining Armor.
  • Narcissist: She deliberately preys on married men. Communication with you will be a thrill for her; it means you are noticing and this will fuel her power. She will relish the opportunity to tell you the details and how your husband talked about your relationship, complained about your skills in bed and how she's either going to take him from you and marry him or that she's only interested in him because she enjoys destroying marriages.
  • Borderline (Personality Disorder): She will stalk and threaten him or you and may become violent. She thinks he's her soul mate and has said she will not give up--ever.
  • Histrionic (Personality Disorder): She is beautiful and values herself through her sexuality. She'll F%$* anyone willing. In that case, she'll cheat on your MLCer soon if she's not already cheating on him.
  • None of the Above: She could be caught in the hormones of in-fatuation. That's not an excuse, but it is a reality. Her perceptions are impaired and until those hormones wane, she will fight, cling and defend her relationship with your MLCer--she will act like someone who may be Borderline. It is common for women to believe that infidelity is not justified in most cases, but that there is a soul mate exception clause. When caught in the addiction it is almost impossible to believe in the remotest possibility there will be a crash in the future.

You need to determine your level of need for this. What sort of an impression will it make on you? If the contact is indirect--text, voice, postal or email, the alienator may never acknowledges receipt of the communication or may say nothing beyond acknowledgment. Then you can leave it to your imagination. But what if she reacts directly at you? What happens to your fantasy? What if she retaliates? What if she threatens you? What if she taunts you? What if she negatively references your parenting skills and your children? Will you be able to handle such possibilities? Understand that by initiating contact you are stepping out of fantasy and opening a line of communication. She may not use it, but she may and if she does, are you prepared?

We all have our fantasies. We want the alienator in jail, dead, naked pictures on billboards, fired, cheated on and hurt... We want our MLCer miserable when not with us, in jail, hurting, icy-hot in his briefs... We fantasize about hearing remorseful apologies; but such things are beyond our control. And we fantasize about having our say. Who has not wanted to give either or both the MLCer and alienator a piece of their minds?

By contacting the alienator you abdicate your power. Sure, it works out sometimes--but not usually. It is often an act of desperation. You are giving this faceless woman your power. She's not worth that energy. But if this urge to contact does not go away and it is a barrier to your own progress, you need to find an outlet for your need to communicate.

Writing and burning a letter or merely fantasizing alone may be therapeutic for some, but that doesn't work for me. I have to share my fantasies; otherwise I am not releasing them. Call friends who are willing to listen and share with them, post on supportive forums where you can both laugh and cry with others in similar experiences and receive feedback.

I do not recommend direct contact or even sending contact. Write your letter. Then revise it at least twice. Read it to friends or post it to forums for feedback; continue to revise it according to the feedback you receive. Write a kind letter that shows your goal of forgiveness. Continue to revise until you feel satisfied that your voice comes through with Peace and Strength and that your message is clear. Post the revisions throughout the process.

Then ask yourself if that is enough. You may no longer feel the need to send it. If you are Standing and you still feel the urge to send it, put it away in a drawer or safe it in a safe place on your computer and be patient. You may change your mind in the future, but if not, the letter will still be there. If you are no longer Standing and if you still want to send it, go ahead, but way the benefits, risk and worth first. Does it matter?

I'm Kenda-Ruth and I believe in marriage.
Are you tired of hearing...
  • Once a cheater always a cheater?
  • You're better off without him?
  • She doesn't deserve you?
  • I guess it just wasn't meant to last?
  • Divorce is no big deal?
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