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Communicating Your Stand

By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf

Your MLCer wants to leave you and refuses to listen to reason. If he hasn't already left, he probably will and that is not for you to control. He blames you for everything that has and is going wrong and thus feels you are forcing this abandonment by being a bad spouse. But you don't want a divorce. You've learned by both experience and reading that begging and pleading will only worsen the situation. How can you communicate your Stand without seeming as though you are in denial?

Communication is in both directions--dialogue, not monologue. Communications are often verbal through spoken or written discussions. But what you do--how you respond and react to this situation and his actions will also speak volumes. The simple act of contesting a divorce sends a message. Contesting does not always mean a person wants to remain married; it is the manner in which the parties negotiate terms of agreement. Irreconcilable differences is the modern excuse that really means no reason, and the simple disagreement regarding whether to divorce or not qualifies as an irreconcilable difference. Pardon, Sweetheart claimed irreconcilable differences and then changed his mind, clearly any differences were reconcilable. I contested that we did not have irreconcilable differences.

Here are some MLCer statements and Stander responses. Many of these are from a strict Stander viewpoint; adjust them to fit your situation. Some statements are threats from Monster; be strong.

I have tried many times to engage you on the subject of the divorce and our children's well-being many times, but you refuse to listen without acting.
We have discussed this previously. You and I may not agree, but we both know that divorce is wrong and it is not necessary. I will not assist you to destroy our marriage, if the courts grant your divorce, it will not be mine. I married you for life and will not break our vows. If you wish to discuss any of the pending legal actions, have your lawyer talk to my lawyer.

Do you have legal representation? If not, you need to get legal representation now! Not wanting a divorce does not mean you should not have representation. Tell your lawyer that you do not believe in divorce and want to do anything legally possible to prevent or at least drag out a divorce. Often it is illegal to deliberately make legal proceedings take longer; drag them out by disagreeing on different points in the divorce documents, but eventually the judge will simply make a ruling or you will run out of things to disagree upon.

You have decided not to act on all this and now the money is running out; I warned you. You are therefore fully responsible.
If I am not acting in a manner you agree with it does not mean that I am not taking action. I am acting as I feel is best; you are free to disagree with me. But I will act as I feel is best and right; it's not personal. I do not feel divorce is best or right and will act in accordance with that; I understand that you must act in accordance with what you feel is best; I would expect no less of you. Marriage is not 50/50; it is 100/100.

If you act now and cooperate, you might not lose everything.
I am cooperating fully as stated in our vows. To do otherwise and cooperate with the Monster who has taken over my husband, would be to go against those vows; and I will do no such thing.

This is your choice. The children will blame you when they are older and learn what you've done.
Abandoning your family is your choice. The children will know that I do not discard people or relationships; and since you have abandoned them, they already have learned that you will discard them for your own selfish means.

Please see reason and act now - start today.
Please see reason and stop disposing of your family - start today.

I can divorce you, if you disagree it will just waste money.
If you feel that a divorce wastes money, you should not be seeking one. It is your divorce.

Will you agree to divorce?
I have already provided an answer to this question. There is no need to ask questions to which you already know the answer.

MLCers blame the spouse in order to deflect and deny their responsibility. Notice the use of the words choice, responsible and forms of decide in the responses. He feels he has no choice and you have made all of the decisions, now it is his turn and he has no choice but to leave so that he can regain his freedom of choice--what an irony. MLCers do not take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, blaming the spouse instead; often they do not even understand how their actions are facilitating the present situation.

I'm Kenda-Ruth and I believe in marriage.
Are you tired of hearing...
  • Once a cheater always a cheater?
  • You're better off without him?
  • She doesn't deserve you?
  • I guess it just wasn't meant to last?
  • Divorce is no big deal?
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