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It Seems Hopeless, Is it Worth it?

By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf

You cannot prevent MLC and positive signs are fleeting. Why have hope, the negatives pour in; your MLCer...

  • Left you and abandoned the kids.
  • Refuses to provide you with money for...taxes, support, therapy, mortgage.
  • Is sleeping with someone else--perhaps her first love, your best friend, brother-in-law, sister...
  • Is trying or has children with the OW/OM.
  • Is engaged to the OW/OM.
  • Cashed out and spent her entire retirement in two months.
  • Left you for someone so below you that you are insulted at the disrespect.
  • Has filed for divorce and is lying to not only avoid paying you, but is fighting you for your house--so you will have no home.
  • Seems to be acting out deliberately to make you suffer.
  • Has a Restraining Order against you--and possibly lied to get it.
  • Is drinking, taking drugs, piercing more than the ears, and has satanic tattoos.
  • Has accused you of demonizing him to the kids, abuse of the kids, raping her.
  • Your MLCer is in jail.

Your Husband, Wife--Sweetheart, the person whom you married

  • Loves you.
  • Is a wonderful parent.
  • Is a wonderful spouse. Takes care of you--financially, when sick etc.
  • Makes you feel special, like a Queen, King.
  • Has an adorable dimple when he smiles.
  • Loves the same things you love.
  • Sounds like bells when she laughs.
  • Is gracious and thankful for you.
  • Mows the lawn and takes out the garbage without being asked.
  • Leaves special notes or cards for you.
  • Makes your morning coffee.
  • Tells you that you are wonderful, beautiful, smart, funny...
  • Knows and cares how you like to be touched.

These statements may not be happening during MLC, but they are present tense because the true person whom you married still loves you and is a wonderful person. This person is not the MLC Monster. The MLC Monster is the Fear. The MLC Monster is in control. Look into the Monster's eyes and you will see that they are dead. Would it be worth it to have the person you married back? What about that but changed spiritually--having grown and matured through the Crisis? Would it be worth it for your children to have both parents together? Would it be worth it for your children to learn that relationships are not always easy, but they can be healed?

Your MLCer is lost, not gone. What is lost can be found. MLCers can and do come home. That does not mean your MLCer will come home; it means it is possible. There is always Hope. Have no expectations for each individual moment, but Hope can always be high. Accept. You may HATE the Monster. But the Monster is your MLCer's Fear, not your MLCer's Self. The Fear is holding the Self captive.

Refrain: MLC takes TIME


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Most LBS's have asked these questions or revealed these fears. Many begin believing at least some of the blame and thus they are the cause. If you are the cause, then you could have prevented the crisis. They begin Fighting for the marriage and changing. Fighting goes along with prevention. MLC is not preventable and fighting yields fighting.

An LBS often begins changing so quickly that they have not searched within for valid changes yet. The MLCer doesn't believe the changes and the LBS panics. This is valid; the changes are not real until they have not only been maintained, but also accepted and appreciated you--that means you want those changes too. You may not have known that before, but you love the new you.

Beginners recite the script, often ignorant that it is a script and not a unique tale of woe. Dating is on that script. If you believe your MLCer's projected blame and his words I love you but I'm not in-love with you, you may either consider dating yourself or believe that your MLCer's supposed desire for you to date is additional evidence that he does not love you and that your marriage is doomed. Some LBS's are quickly caught up in the confusion of opposites as their MLCers wants out one day, shows hope the next and out another day later. They believe it all.

I'm Kenda-Ruth and I believe in marriage.
Are you tired of hearing...
  • Once a cheater always a cheater?
  • You're better off without him?
  • She doesn't deserve you?
  • I guess it just wasn't meant to last?
  • Divorce is no big deal?
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