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Part II: Paving the Way & Mirror-Work

By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf

Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness. Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority. As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer. Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.

Mirror-Work isn’t about your relationship and how you interact with others, but it will change how you interact as you change inside; changes in relationships are a byproduct of internal changes.

It’s not about fixing. Many of you are focused on flaws and fixing and since you think you have few flaws, you’re puzzled. You like yourself. So what? Does that mean you should stop learning and growing? Your body is changing; maybe there are new things you should learn simply about aging, being a parent of teenagers or college students or a parent of new parents. Life moves forward.

Mirror-Work isn’t about correcting and fixing all the things wrong with you. It’s about focusing on your Self with love, loving who you are and embracing life with joy. It’s not about focusing on problems or even solutions; it’s simply about focusing on you. It's not about improving yourself for the purpose of being a better marital partner—though that is a byproduct. The greatest goal is to become a whole person as an individual rather than half of a marital whole. A strong and healthy marriage needs two individuals who are whole on their own and maybe you were whole before Bomb Drop, but you have been hurt and betrayed and Mirror-Work is a path to healing.

Mirror-Work isn’t part of a temporary transition; it’s life. It’s about carving out a space within your day or week (and life) for rest and to honor you. It’s about self-love, not self-improvement which is a natural byproduct of loving your Self.

I'm Kenda-Ruth and I believe in marriage.

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