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Count Your Blessings

By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf

Loss reveals importance which helps us feel gratitude for what is, thank you God in this time of difficulty for I still have... as well as a retroactive gratitude for what is no longer and perhaps can be again in the future. You are a different person now than you were at Bomb Drop--even if Bomb Drop was yesterday. You will continue to change and as you accept your imperfections and contributions to marital discord, you will become stronger. Your spouse's MLC, infidelity and abandonment are not your fault! But come on, you are not, were not and will never be perfect. So if you are feeling incensed that this is happening to you because you are the good one, or if you are chastising yourself for everything you did wrong in your marriage, get a grip! What you did last year, last week or even yesterday in your marriage you may never do again because you have since learned. You know differently now and have learned from experience; you are a different person now. Rejoice! You have learned, you are learning! You will repeat some of your mistakes, but there are others which are entirely in your past. Thank God because without this crisis those mistakes would still be a part of your behaviors.

How do you find gratitude when your life is crumbling--amidst the debris of a shattered life?

    I don't want to offer you clichés
  • This will make you stronger...so give thanks for the opportunity.
  • Things can only get better.
  • Hey, you're alive.
  • At least you have your health.

What is in the debris? What broke open--what can we discover now? Gratitude is like forgiveness--unconditional and void of judgment. Judgment is the end of karmic debt and thus starting life anew--a type of rebirth. MLC is a journey into which we discover ourselves and each other. It is a pressure toward growth, self-discovery and release. Who we are and who we can be exist within us; but sometimes our can be potential is protected by a citadel built from our childhood traumas. We have survived within these worlds and built beauty, but there is work beyond the protective enclosures that we use to mask our inner Self. The debris that we believe to be our shattered lives is not the beauty we created within the walls when we penetrated the MLCer's wall. No, the debris is his wall and we mistake it for our relationship. Without the wall confining the relationship, there can be expansion.

I am grateful that these walls lie around me in crumbles. Were they still intact, I might be unaware of what I was not accomplishing--and it has been said that ignorance is bliss. But I am grateful to have tasted the apple.

Look at your life as it is now. Look at the changes in you since Bomb Drop. What is different that is a positive benefit? If Bomb Drop was recent, this may be more difficult for you. Review this question every few months and make a list of the positive differences in your life.

    Examples
  • A new or rediscovered relationship with God
  • A deeper bond with your children
  • A new or rediscovered hobby
  • A new, active and fit lifestyle

I thank God for the opportunity this has given me to change, learn, grow... I do this daily; morning and evening as well as through out the day. Some think that's like thanking God for Cancer, abuse, war etc. But in thanking him I am encouraged to think of the positive benefits each time. And if I can't think of benefits for this situation, I give thanks for life, Grandma, air, health, hardship and challenges or even silver spoons. Find something!

I'm Kenda-Ruth and I believe in marriage.
Are you tired of hearing...
  • Once a cheater always a cheater?
  • You're better off without him?
  • She doesn't deserve you?
  • I guess it just wasn't meant to last?
  • Divorce is no big deal?
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