|By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf|
Doubt & Confusion
MLCers seek control. They feel presently controlled and that they have lead a passive existence, of external control. Ironically Midlife Crisis is a loss of personal power; an MLCer gives up power over his emotions, and reacts. He will yield power, though unknowingly, to the person of strength. Do not abuse this; do not accept power. But, understand that he needs guidance. Use his trust to gently guide him toward internal Faith and Self-worth through your positive actions and responses--be an example. Reassure him of your feelings and presence.
He has no answers, only questions; he is lost and confused, and ironically he will cycle at times being unaware of his confusion and at other times frustrated and angry in those moments where he realizes the problems lie within himself. Since he is confused and yet denying it to himself and others, when you ask questions he will feel cornered and forced to answer. If you are strong and self-confident, he will look to you for answers.
Instead of questions, make statements affirming his and your knowledge in a positive outcome, and his worthiness. He doubts himself and trusts in the person who seems internally strong and confident. If the person of strengths belittles and insults him, he will believe the insults. If the person of strength praises and shows confidence in him, the MLCer can learn to believe those positives. What you are doing is a form of hypnosis. Make positive statements in factual language. He will come to believe those things about him and these will be his personal beliefs--he will come to believe in himself, in reconciliation, in you and your love--in whatever you are praising with firm confidence.
Remember that Midlife Crisis Takes TIME
Whenever I had doubts about my decision I would email or call my wife and as she was either crying or being
a bitch it was easy to tell myself I made the right choice. When she stopped reacting I starting thinking.
This is another dangerous time for the Stander; many drop out at this point, which is at times only a few months in to a years-long process. He will watch you and respond. He is confused and doesn't want to let you go. In his extremes, he believes that you had a horrible marriage and you were a terrible spouse and thus wants nothing to do with you. He reveals the extremes and keeps his more common fears hidden. Some recognize they have messed up and feel you will be better without him.
Early Replayers cycle constantly, wanting out but fearing the change. The Replayer moves out and the alienator relationship becomes more serious--they may immediately move in together. This is the euphoric stage of freedom co-mixed with In-Fatuation--misleadingly called In-Love.
This initial post-bomb-drop stage is the time for foundation building. The foundation is meant to support a long-term process. There are no quick fixes. As you have gained strength, things may seem to get better and your MLCer may seems to progress. Then things get worse. The alienator relationship becomes more serious. You find even more strength and again your MLCer rethinks his actions; he may return prematurely only to leave again.
Will he crash or has he? He was very angry, behaved strangely and withdrew for several weeks. Now he is
visiting regularly with kids again and seems like he did 6 months or a year ago.
He seems like he was down and now he is coming back up, never to realize how much pain he has caused me.
He seems to have come to terms with the end of our marriage. He's done so much damage and shows no signs of
regret or wanting to return.
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