Standing is simple; you want to be married and thus you live as though married even in the absence of your spouse. You don't have to do anything but live. Stand by being married. While you are doing that, focus on your Self, focus on healing; two broken people cannot make a marriage work.
Should you Stand? Why? When or for what reasons should you divorce? Leaving a marriage without first working to heal the relationship, deal with problems and learn from any mistakes is risking repetition in future relationships. This is true and important even when you are the only one working toward these things. To discard a relationship without seeking growth and healing is to offer damaged goods to future partners. When faced with marital crisis, you have choices.
There will be some of you who read The Hero's Spouse website and become angry when in five months, or five years for the patient reader, your marriage is still over. There are many who believe that if one person is gone, nothing the spouse can do will bring him back. Often this is the belief of the spouse who was a Stander and who feels she failed. First I want to point out that failure is a measure of personal satisfaction and joy in life. Often this person is bitter and angry, feeling they were mislead into believing they would save their marriage, or that the odds were in their favor. They feel that they became desperate and pathetic in their behaviors to please and convince their spouse to change his mind. I want to make it perfectly clear: There is no guarantee. You can Stand until death and your spouse may never return. The same things in similar circumstances will have varied results. I don't know the statistics regarding returns--there may not be any and if there are I would be skeptical as to their accuracies, since coulds, what-ifs and maybes cannot be measured with accuracy, and since statistics may not include the different strategies as data points relating to success. Possibilities are not probabilities; it is possible to Stand alone and achieve reconciliation. But I also feel it is important that at the point of true return it is no longer a solitary job; there needs to be a point where both spouses work together in partnership to rebuild their marriage.
You know you’ve gotta stop crying, panicking or asking your spouse ANYTHING. And you know you should let-go and give space so that you can learn to respond and communicate with your spouse from a place of calm rather than emotional hurt.
Understanding Midlife Crisis
The foundational course to give you answers and clarity into "What the he!! Is going on with my spouse!"