Communicating Your Stand
Your MLCer wants to leave you and refuses to listen to reason. If he hasn't already left, he probably will and that is not for you to control. He blames you for everything that has and is going wrong and thus feels you are forcing this abandonment by being a bad spouse. But you don't want a divorce. You've learned by both experience and reading that begging and pleading will only worsen the situation. How can you communicate your Stand without seeming as though you are in denial?
Communication is in both directions--dialogue, not monologue. Communications are often verbal through spoken or written discussions. But what you do--how you respond and react to this situation and his actions will also speak volumes. The simple act of contesting a divorce sends a message. Contesting does not always mean a person wants to remain married; it is the manner in which the parties negotiate terms of agreement. Irreconcilable differences is the modern excuse that really means no reason, and the simple disagreement regarding whether to divorce or not qualifies as an irreconcilable difference. Pardon, Sweetheart claimed irreconcilable differences and then changed his mind, clearly any differences were reconcilable. I contested that we did not have irreconcilable differences.
Here are some MLCer statements and Stander responses. Many of these are from a strict Stander viewpoint; adjust them to fit your situation. Some statements are threats from Monster; be strong.
I have tried many times to engage you on the subject of the divorce and our children's well-being many times, but you refuse to listen
Do you have legal representation? If not, you need to get legal representation now! Not wanting a divorce does not mean you should not have representation. Tell your lawyer that you do not believe in divorce and want to do anything legally possible to prevent or at least drag out a divorce. Often it is illegal to deliberately make legal proceedings take longer; drag them out by disagreeing on different points in the divorce documents, but eventually the judge will simply make a ruling or you will run out of things to disagree upon.
You have decided not to act on all this and now the money is running out; I warned you. You are therefore fully responsible.
If you act now and cooperate, you might not lose everything.
This is your choice. The children will blame you when they are older and learn what you've done.
Please see reason and act now - start today.
I can divorce you, if you disagree it will just waste money.
Will you agree to divorce?
MLCers blame the spouse in order to deflect and deny their responsibility. Notice the use of the words choice, responsible and forms of decide in the responses. He feels he has no choice and you have made all of the decisions, now it is his turn and he has no choice but to leave so that he can regain his freedom of choice--what an irony. MLCers do not take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, blaming the spouse instead; often they do not even understand how their actions are facilitating the present situation.
Tell me what you are struggling with and maybe you will see your question answered as a future blog post.
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