I will not be your friend outside of marriage; when you choose to be an appropriate spouse you will be my friend.
That is what I told Sweetheart and I encourage many of you to do the same. But it was not something I told him in the beginning, partly because I had not thought of the line and it is not something I recommend in all phases of cycling or stages of the crisis. There was a time in the beginning when I would have used the line had I thought of it yet; instead I went No Contact without the explanation.
When should you start the friendship process? Starting it is something you should do immediately so that you are Paving the Way, but when should you allow a friendship relationship and when should you use the line? There are times when your MLCer is seeking you as a friend rather than a buddy or when your MLCer needs a friend or if they are not seeking but they may be open to your initiation of friendship. Replayers want buddies and are abusive to their friends. If your MLCer is being emotionally abusive, he will abuse you if you offer your friendship. But it is not only Replayers that abuse your friendship. MLCers who want to come home or who want you to wait and be there for them but also want their adulterous life will use friendship to continue to Cake-Eat.
No Contact, Friendship is non-active
Monster or Replayers
MLCers cycle and may return prematurely, or a return may last. But since they cycle and are confused, you may not know when a return will last or not. It is not fair to ask whether a return is real because your MLCer may be returning with genuine intentions. MLCers also experience severe depression--Liminal Depression--and may need someone to lean on while they are emotionally incapacitated and thus unable to help themselves. MLCers may break up with the alienator, and though it may be temporary, they may not be aware that they will resume the relationship. After a break-up your MLCer may become depressed, seeking you for comfort or he may change his mind and want to return since they think they have ended the affair. What about touch-n-goes when your MLCer is cycling toward you--these may be brief, but your MLCer does not know that. None of these are times when you should activate your friendship, rather they are times when it can have benefits, but it is not always beneficial in these circumstances. But if you are to Pave the Way, you need to show agapé and that includes being a true friend in need. When the opportunity for beneficial friendship arises, take advantage of it. This is not a buddy relationship, but it is also not full marital friendship because that includes shared activities that are often the main component of buddy relationships. Shared activities are part of rebuilding, add them gradually.
Boundaries are important. Let your MLCer know the boundaries and that though your love has no conditions, your active friendship is conditional. Let your MLCer know that you will resume No Contact if your MLCer returns to Monster, the alienator or cake-eats to avoid helping himself.
You know you’ve gotta stop crying, panicking or asking your spouse ANYTHING. And you know you should let-go and give space so that you can learn to respond and communicate with your spouse from a place of calm rather than emotional hurt.
Understanding Midlife Crisis
The foundational course to give you answers and clarity into "What the he!! Is going on with my spouse!"