Depression: Blind to Destruction
He can't see that he is destroying me, that he is causing me so much distress and sadness; he can't see
past his own depression. He's selfish.
Depression is both blinding and clearing. Sometimes MLCers cannot see past their own depression, but often this is because they had to shut down their detectors because they initially saw too clearly. Your concern that your MLCer is either incapable or unaware of your pain is indicative that you are not yet understanding or accepting the process of midlife crisis; rather you are taking the crisis and his actions personally. A midlife crisis is an internal crisis and until the MLCer can resolve the internal problems he cannot address the external problems--it's like making sure you have a pulse and airway before addressing a broken bone.
Think deeply about depression; what it is. It is a cold joy and hope sucking force that invades and infects; it overcomes a person's entire being. For some it is a Quiet Worry:
Depression is quiet worryAnd for some it is a sinking that defies understanding or description:
furious and fearful,
a spiral springing.
Expanding, it cleanses thoroughly,
scrubbing raw to nothing
but the exposed sting.
The vision of Hope is absent,
stealing with it the burden of care.
I want to curl up
and crawl into tight dark space,
vacate my eyes
and huddle drooping,
unable to hold myself upright.
There is a depression
sinking whole in
the pit of loneliness.
A loss of unknown qualities,
a vacancy in hollow eyes.
Depression is a rocking,
of curled fetal knees.
Depression is a death
amidst breath and heartbeat
clinging to nothingness
Your MLCer's internal problems are infecting you, causing internal and external problems in you; it is your responsibility to resolve your issues, but that does not mean that your reactions, pain and emotional turmoil are MLCer's fault or responsibility. It is your responsibility to pick yourself up and accept that no one can make you happy, that if this crisis is destroying you--someone else's crisis--you are choosing to let it destroy you. It is not realistic or fair to expect someone else to be responsible for your feelings and emotions and for how you handle a situation. It is especially unfair when the person is already overwhelmed with internal turmoil. Each of us must rely on God and ourselves for rescue. You cannot rescue or fix your MLCer and he cannot rescue or fix you. And you were correct; he is being selfish, but that is because depression is selfish; it's about him.
Tell me what you are struggling with and maybe you will see your question answered as a future blog post.
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