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Hopelessness

By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf

The phase of Liminal Depression is a phase of despair and Hopelessness. This is not to say that there is no Hope, but that in such a phase, a person believes there is no chance for the desired outcome. This is a belief, not an actuality. Hope can exist without belief, but in such circumstances, a person does not call upon it as a strengthening resource. Hopelessness is self-fulfilling. As a person feels circumstances are hopeless they give less and less effort, or they go out of their way to make things even worse to prove that things are hopeless. This alienates others and proves to others that things are hopeless for that person.

What makes a situation Hopeless? Is it Hopeless if you decide to not take your MLCer back? What is the pronoun it referring to? Perhaps the possibility for reconciliation is close to none, but if you decide you are better off, No this is not Hopelessness--to make such a decision from a place of self-focus and strength. Is it Hopeless when you accept that though you do not want a divorce it will happen and likely be permanent? You may choose to keep your covenant while accepting that you will no longer be with your spouse. No, Acceptance is not Hopelessness. Hopelessness is not specific--it is about what you want, at one point you want your marriage; that may change.

Hopeless is the person who pines away for her MLCer without herself moving beyond the stages of begging and pleading. She needs him to create her happiness. But Hopelessness need not be a permanent condition; it goes away when the LBS moves beyond such self-pitying victim behaviour and learns to take responsibility for her own happiness and respect herself. Hopelessness is about the motivation behind your desires. Assuming you are able-bodied, you do not need someone else for survival. So the question becomes are you able-minded? If you require happiness from an external source, the answer is No and until that changes, everything is Hopeless for you. But did you recognize the Hope within there? Until...that little word packs a punch; it means it does not always have to be that way.

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Use Hope along with an honest and accepting assessment of conditions and odds; use it to strive toward possibilities regardless of probabilities. It is not about results. You may want results, but they are not a requisite for Hope. Strive for what you believe is right, regardless of the opinions of others or the possibility of success. If you want to Stand, then do so, but realize that you may do so without recognition and may see no results for your efforts, or you may experience the opposite results. Do it anyway. Stand and Hope even though you risk losing; often risking loss is the only way to increase your chances for success. Increase probabilities through your growth and actions rather than a reliance on Hope, as you do this, your flame of Hope will provide greater illumination and you will see better the changes and behaviours that will serve you best.

I'm Kenda-Ruth and I believe in marriage.
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