Belief & Believe
Stories and Human Behavior
Many have gone through this crisis--as the MLCer or the spouse--before you and many of those have come through with their marriages intact. It is also true that many do not come through with their marriages intact. Which will you be? If you are the typical LBS, after a while you believe your marriage will not survive, often because your MLCer is just one of those stubborn ones who once he makes a decision, he won't change it. Really? Like your MLCer isn't now changing his decision to be married to you? MLC is a journey of self-discovery and change. The person who comes through the MLC tunnel may be vastly different than the person who entered the tunnel and different than the possibly multiple personalities in the tunnel. How your MLCer is now is not indicative of who he might become. An MLCer may become stuck, but those are the rare cases. More common is for a person to regret their actions--often when they are too late because the spouse has closed the opportunity for marital reconciliation.
Think of teenagers and how different they are twenty years later. The teenage years are a time of great transition and often turmoil and yet most people come through those years and adjust to adulthood. Why is that different with later transitions that are also tumultuous?
I am not divorced. Sweetheart came through his crisis and we are happy. Sometimes I thought it was easy, but then I looked back and thought who am I kidding? He left 8 times! How was that easy? It was a soap opera. What made me feel it was easy was my personal focus on my own growth and healing; I not only accepted but embraced my journey and chose joy and thus even amidst the difficulties it was personally rewarding. I believed that Sweetheart had meant his vows when he spoke them and to me that meant it was possible for him to believe in them again.
I believed in MLC and the process. I believed that MLC was a time of confusion; I believed in the concept of the Shadow and related fears that brought out. This helped me to understand Sweetheart's mixed up choices. I did not agree with them, but I gained an intellectual understanding. I believed in the addictive power of in-fatuation as well as the power of toxic guilt applied through emotional blackmail and this facilitated my compassion. Because I believed I was open to seeing Sweetheart's pain as well as progress.
You may be thinking that there are few stories of reconciliation and many of marriages that did not survive. I see that too. But I also believe that is something that can change if more people take a Stand.