View Cart

Affairing Down

By Kenda-Ruth Stumpf

My husband is mirroring himself. He is a mess so he found someone else who is just as messed up.
MLCers affair down; there may be a number of reasons.

  • The Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome/Rescue Complex: He is seeking someone who can look up to and admire him. He needs a damsel in distress.
  • Birds of a feather... He found someone who matches his present level of behaviour and maturity.
  • For some, an affair down is the only thing available--the only thing willing to date him.
  • She has loose morals; she will let him live the Bachelor Party Life. She's loose with booze and perhaps into drugs. She will let him do whatever he wants--as long as she can control him.
  • Curiosity: he wants to take a walk on the wild side (to boldly go where many men have gone before).
  • Variety is the spice of life.
  • He thinks she's trashy, easy and therefore a sure thing.
    The alienator may be your opposite, why?
  • If you are a moral person who wouldn't date a married man, he isn't going to find a willing woman who is like you. Thus it follows that she would be unlike you. Moral woman don't knowingly date married men.
  • If he views you as too nice, perfect, or pious, she may be his rebellion against what you represent.
  • Whether he shows it or not, he is feeling immense guilt. Since a large portion of the guilt is from his adultery, you are a reminder of his guilt and thus thoughts of you make it worse. A woman similar to you would remind him of his guilt, which he is trying to escape.
  • It didn't work with you, so he wants someone different.
  • MLCers live within their shadow self; they become their own opposite. We subconsciously seek out partners who fulfill our missing pieces and needs. In his opposite state, he needs a person different than you to do this.

Superficially it may not make sense; she's nothing like you. But when you delve deeper it would make less sense for him to cheat with another you--he's got the real you. MLCers don't seek out alienators who are younger or more beautiful. He seeks someone convenient. There is nothing special about her other than that she gives him her attention and admiration--those are not to be underestimated. She fulfills his need for validation. An alienator must be willing to date a married man. She may not seem willing in that she pressures him to leave and divorce you, but she was willing to start a relationship before he fulfilled that requirement.

Strong people who value themselves do not allow themselves to become involved with people who are married. MLCer alienators are desperate people seeking a rescuer to save them from their sorry lives. They will thus do whatever it takes to get this man who has shown a history of commitment through his marriage--thus he is a better catch than a man who is available. She auditions for the role of perfect fantasy wife by listening to his problems and soothing his wounded ego. She is attentive not only sexually but also and more importantly, emotionally.

Alienators allow their desperation to cloud their judgment. She is so desperate that she justifies his mistreatment of you and believes he will never mistreat her also. He did not choose the alienator because she is better than you or because you failed. He chose her because she was willing.

A Warning
Some of you will dismiss the affair down scenario when you learn the alienator has an MBA and a higher paying job than you or your MLCer. It’s not about intelligence or indicative of educational or career level. A Rocket Scientist employed by NASA can be an affair down; intelligence, educational level or career status are irrelevant. An affair down is about mental and emotional instability. Some people compartmentalize well and are brilliant in their professional lives while being unable to maintain a healthy relationship. Emotional and mental instability knows no socio-economic or cultural bounds.

I'm Kenda-Ruth and I believe in marriage.
Are you tired of hearing...
  • Once a cheater always a cheater?
  • You're better off without him?
  • She doesn't deserve you?
  • I guess it just wasn't meant to last?
  • Divorce is no big deal?
Join me and over 4000 subscribers and learn to Love Anyway in Any Way





Ask a Question

Tell me what you are struggling with and maybe you will see your question answered as a future blog post.

coaching Coaching

coaching Coaching