My husband is mirroring himself. He is a mess so he found someone else who is just as messed up.
The alienator may be your opposite, why?
Superficially it may not make sense; she's nothing like you. But when you delve deeper it would make less sense for him to cheat with another you--he's got the real you. MLCers don't seek out alienators who are younger or more beautiful. He seeks someone convenient. There is nothing special about her other than that she gives him her attention and admiration--those are not to be underestimated. She fulfills his need for validation. An alienator must be willing to date a married man. She may not seem willing in that she pressures him to leave and divorce you, but she was willing to start a relationship before he fulfilled that requirement.
Strong people who value themselves do not allow themselves to become involved with people who are married. MLCer alienators are desperate people seeking a rescuer to save them from their sorry lives. They will thus do whatever it takes to get this man who has shown a history of commitment through his marriage--thus he is a better catch than a man who is available. She auditions for the role of perfect fantasy wife by listening to his problems and soothing his wounded ego. She is attentive not only sexually but also and more importantly, emotionally.
Alienators allow their desperation to cloud their judgment. She is so desperate that she justifies his mistreatment of you and believes he will never mistreat her also. He did not choose the alienator because she is better than you or because you failed. He chose her because she was willing.
Some of you will dismiss the affair down scenario when you learn the alienator has an MBA and a higher paying job than you or your MLCer. It’s not about intelligence or indicative of educational or career level. A Rocket Scientist employed by NASA can be an affair down; intelligence, educational level or career status are irrelevant. An affair down is about mental and emotional instability. Some people compartmentalize well and are brilliant in their professional lives while being unable to maintain a healthy relationship. Emotional and mental instability knows no socio-economic or cultural bounds.
You know you’ve gotta stop crying, panicking or asking your spouse ANYTHING. And you know you should let-go and give space so that you can learn to respond and communicate with your spouse from a place of calm rather than emotional hurt.
Understanding Midlife Crisis
The foundational course to give you answers and clarity into "What the he!! Is going on with my spouse!"