Excuses with Validity
Hear me out, validity does not mean that these justify infidelity. But no marriage is perfect and within your MLCers excuses will be some valid criticisms rather than words tossed out to get you off his back. It is wise to listen to what he's trying to say, rather than what is coming out of his mouth.
You weren't interested in sex.
We lost the passion and excitement.
You gained weight and I don't find you attractive anymore.
You were never available.
You don't listen to me.
You don't need me.
Men are fixers; do you resolve all the problems in your family without his input? Are you Superwoman, able to work overtime, build fences, unclog drains, overhaul an engine and wipe kid's tears and scraped knees all in a day? If your answer is yes, are you over-exhausted? Why are you trying to do everything yourself? Do you not trust your spouse? Why not? This could be indicative of a fear of abandonment in you. You may be trying to shut him out by doing everything yourself--effectively abandoning him without leaving; or you may be trying to prevent him from abandoning you by showing how useful you are.
It is healthier to be in a relationship because you want your partner and the relationship rather than out of need, but this is an ideal situation and even in these healthier circumstances a person needs to feel they provide a value and serve a purpose.
You never paid attention to me.
There is a common thread running through these valid excuses. They are all about becoming so involved with life that you take the relationship for granted because it is the element that will always be there--so you think. You are each busy raising kids, earning money, volunteering on committees, watching TV, playing on the Internet helping your friends and family. At first neither of you noticed, but over time you noticed that you had drifted apart and were living separate lives in the same household. You existed but did not relate.
Excuses are not causes. Boredom, sexual dysfunction or disinterest, separate lives, changing physical attributes... are commonplace in marriages. Such conditions may set the stage for infidelity, but there are many in those conditions who honour their fidelity. The excuses, whether valid or not, are shallow explorations for something with deep roots. There are those who believe that since they do not know their Shadow they are simply shallow, but if it were known it would not be the Shadow. Searching the conscious mind for the causes of infidelity is futile; they are not in the light; a person must instead venture into the dark recesses of his Shadow.
What kind of person asks someone to be in a relationship with them while refusing to first exit their own present relationship? What does that person think of the person who agrees to enter into such a relationship?
It is the sort of person who is unwilling to do the difficult work to change his own Self and prepare for the relationship he desires. He seeks only the easy solution. For such a person, starting a new relationship constitutes proof, or at least evidence, that the other relationship is over. Each relationship thus serves as a back-up--insurance in the event that one fails. He fears leaping without a net of safety and fears solitude–the darkness and silence within aloneness. He avoids and even consciously refuses to inhabit the Liminal space between, wherein he may heal and grow.
Though alienators are mere band aids during MLC, they are infected band aids; it is the adultery more than anything else that causes the most hurt and damage. They infect the relationship and they infect each individual. Adultery is a single straw strong enough to break the camel's back. It doesn't matter if there is nothing else negative and there are a million positives. He will have to fix the camel's back first. Infidelity may be the most painful symptom of your spouse's MLC. Who cares if the alienator is a band-aid; you still hurt. It's the infidelity that does the most damage and leads to divorce.
Tell me what you are struggling with and maybe you will see your question answered as a future blog post.
|Home | Forum | Blog: Love AnyWay | Coaching | Subscriptions | My Story | About | Links & Books | Table of Contents | Store |Template Design
Return to top