Alienators obsess about the wife. They are jealous and afraid of you. But does she care that she is hurting you? More often than not, No. She is too focused on her own selfish needs and on the lies the MLCer has told about you. She knows that you've been a bad wife and don't deserve him. This is your fault, he wouldn't have left you if you were a good wife, therefore you deserve this--so No, she doesn't care that she is hurting you. Let her obsess about you; let her become jealous and controlling.
Give them freedom to ruin their relationship. One of the greatest sources of alienator power is a confrontationally angry or desperate spouse. If you fail to give freedom and instead beg and plead, and pressure and guilt him with his broken promises and responsibilities, you become pathetic, which in turn empowers the alienator. If you stalk or threaten your MLCer or the alienator, she may be scared for her safety, but will feel more secure in her relationship with your husband. And she should, who wants to me married to Psycho-Bitch? She becomes his comfort and protection from you, his crazy spouse. If you realize your attempts are failing, and react by bad-mouthing or attacking the alienator, you will distance yourself further from your MLCer and reconciliation. The alienator is validating and comforting him; she is protecting him from your attacks and pressure. She's rescuing him from a bad marriage. How would you feel if someone attacked and insulted your rescuer--your comfort and safety? You would become angry and defend your rescuer. Since you are giving him something unpleasant to escape from, such desperate actions increase his attraction to the alienator and the fantasy. She won't need to become jealous and controlling since you're doing that for her. If you've got a mean and angry MLCer, do you want him right now; he's not a catch? Laugh as she gets the MLC Monster.
The stronger you are in the face of a full-blown public affair, the weaker she will be, the more controlling she will become and the more she will pressure him. Let her invade his space, let her become jealous and controlling, let her become pathetic, and best of all let her bad-mouth you to him. This will eventually put him in a position where he feels the need to defend you which will frighten the alienator even more and she will sink lower into her destructive behaviors. You do not need to do anything toward them actively for this to happen. It occurs naturally when there is an empowered and Standing spouse who refuses to play dirty.
An alienator may feel more threatened and become more controlling as the relationship becomes seemingly safer and more solidified. Why?
It is logical that alienator's are controlling and jealous. Why shouldn't they be? They choose men whom they can't deny are cheaters. Even if she's his first affair, it makes it a history of infidelity. Her controlling behavior is one of the main issues that eventually leads to the break-up. The relationship needs to come to a place where from a distance it may seem secure and where the alienator herself feels she is winning and can thus let down her guard. If you trust the process of MLC and that infidelity does not yield secure relationships, you will not be fooled, but many are easily fooled. Have faith in the process.
He is enjoying his freedom and all that comes with it. Why would he ever want to give that up?
Because freedom isn't free. Though he is free to be with her, there is rarely freedom in an alienator relationship. It comes with guilt, losing everything one holds dear and an alienator holding a leash--since she needs to monitor and control her married man. She wants and needs to be rescued--desperately. Desperation yields fear, controlling and clinging. If you were dating a married man, would you trust him? Maybe you would be stupid enough to trust in the beginning, but not for long. What freedom? alienator's are distrusting by nature, which makes them controlling and possessive. The more freedom he has to be with the alienator, the closer the relationship gets to the end.
How can I compete with the fantasy of her undying love and attention, not to mention the easier life!
You can't. It's a fantasy; you do not need to compete. In the end, reality is better. The end is just a long ways away. Let her compete by trying to maintain the fantasy amidst the realization of living together--bills, messy houses, bowel movements and sickness are absent in fantasies.
He seems content to stay with her. It really feels like the end, especially since he has an alienator.
This is normal, but also understand that things are not always as they seem. If the affair is new or only recently public, according to the MLC process, he should be content to be with her. He's getting what he thinks he wants. MLCers have alienators; an affair is part of the MLC process. Consider that the presence of an alienator helps your chances rather than hinders them. The more in-love he thinks he is--actually in-fatuation--the less real it is. Are you insulted that he is getting serious so quickly? Fools rush in, so let them. The process of destruction starts now but is not immediate--and you are not the destroyer. Infidelity destroys itself.
It hurts so much.
I know. It's difficult to not take this betrayal personally. Intellectual understanding doesn't quell the pain. But even so, his actions are not about or against you, they are indicative of his unhappiness; they don't mean he thought you were a bad wife, mother, lover... His unhappiness is within, though to reject it he must project it onto you. If it were his fault, then he'd be stuck with it, he'd be a bad person--not really, but in his mind. If it is his fault, it means he is innately bad and there is nothing he can do to change it. MLCers are unable to separate themselves from their actions--good people sometimes behave badly.
Has anyone got back together because the abandoned spouse...